Sunday, May 5, 2019

100 Days of Poetry: Days 96-100

(Again, I did write five poems for these days, but a couple are best left unseen.)

Recovery

A consequence of aging
Perhaps,
Like failing eyes,
Failing bladder,
And joints that ache,
Emotions and relationships, too,
Falter,
Fall ill,
Or rupture.
Aging hurts the spirit as well as the frame.
Heart attack of a different kind
Left me sobbing and unhinged
On a snowy spring afternoon in Cache Valley,
My marriage uncertain,
My parents fading,
Those I leaned on no longer strong and steady.
Dreams that pulled me forward
Lack the power they once held,
Tattered and weak as they have become.
Something already strained finally tore wide open.

And now?
Now, hopefully, the healing begins.
Scar tissue rebuilding the heart into something new,
Stronger in some ways,
Weaker in others.
I am learning how to recover,
Learning to rest,
Recognizing that wounds of the heart need time,
Patience,
A willingness to step back,
Pull away from society
And slow the pace of life
Until new skin closes gaping wounds,
Until the pain recedes
And the pieces knit together into some semblance of whole.

Sunday Afternoon in Spring

My daughter sunbathes in the hammock,
Turning of the page punctuated by a cough and a sniffle,
Remnants of a late season cold.
I write under a picnic umbrella,
Listening to the breeze rustle newly unfolded leaves.
Blocks away, an ice cream truck announces its progress with "Turkey in the Straw"
Against a backdrop of an occasional lawnmower or chainsaw.
Moths flutter, newly emerged from their cocoons,
Flitting past fading lilacs and the tiny white bells that promise late summer blueberries.
It is a season of layered clothes and forgotten sunglasses,
Of heads tilted back to capture welcome sun.
Last week, I drove through slushy snow.
Next week, I will sigh as I mop my sweaty brow.
Today, I delight in spring.

100 Days of Poetry

I set out to write one hundred poems
Word paintings, tiny snapshots of my life
As winter snows transformed to mid-spring days
As joy, hurt, wonder and sorrow traded
Places on the stage, each dancing her part,
Then passing the spotlight to her fellows.
I have loved observing the days take shape
In verse, teasing out colors and rhythms
Examining the pain, reliving joy,
Letting creativity do her work.

100 Days of Poetry: Days 91-95

Vacation Morning

Quiet house
Unfamiliar and, thus, restful
No assignments
No schedule
Few expectations
Morning tea in a strange cup
Frosted mountains outside my door
Bold sun, shining as if it owns the place
Nooks and crannies to discover in a rented house
Snacks and spices I wouldn’t have thought to buy
Mis-matched decor that somehow suits
Running path awaiting my feet
Freedom and possibility

Morning Run

Towering mountains
Brilliant sunshine, altitude
Weary, but worth it

Today I loved

Running in sunshine through neighborhoods so new the sod still looks like a checkerboard
The first bite of movie popcorn
Gauging our progress by the mountain peaks that tower over Utah Valley
Watching men cook while women chatted
Eating marinated, grilled scallops
Guzzling cold sparkling water after an afternoon in the heat
Passing random farms in the middle of suburbia
Actually beating Brad in a race car arcade game
Kristina’s unabashed delight at her temporary tattoo
A few quiet minutes to write before bedtime

Vacation Sunday Service

Back row luxury
Peaceful anonymity
Simply worshipping

Coming Home

Canyon views
Snowshoe philosophy session
Asian noodles with a chocolate almond chaser
Jane Austen narrates my drive
Wasatch Front to my right
Memories every mile
Comfortably bemoaning politics with Daddy
While Mother listens from the sofa, content
I am home
Unfamiliar bed
Living out of a duffel bag
Hundreds of miles from my house
But remembering a rhythm of my heart

100 Days of Poetry: Days 86-90

Easter

Every burden I have carried
All my sins, heartache, weakness, anger and loneliness
Swallowed up in one unfathomable sacrifice
The God of Heaven bled for me
Entered Hell for me
Remembers me still


Wemberly

My daughter worries
Questions, frets, stews and wonders
Craves reassurance
Like sand in an oyster shell
Rich pearl gathering shape

Mathematics of Marriage

One more late night
+
Two parallel paths trying, and mostly failing, to merge
+
Infinite pointless apologies
=
Zero clue how to proceed


Mantra Time

I will find joy, even on stupid days
I will learn to wait in stillness
I will create something every day
I will run until my legs stop moving
I will remember that God loves me, knows me, has not forgotten me
I will love even when loving feels difficult
I will pray when I struggle to believe
I will choose to lift up, not bring down
I will forgive myself and others
And when I fail at one or all of these
I will shake it off and try again

Utah

Cloud shadows paint hills and valleys from one horizon to the other
Irrigated meadows rise to arid mesas
I imagine flying along the ridge on a horse
(Never mind that I know nothing about horses)
Traversing hills and valleys
Unbroken by trees
Chasing shadows
Pausing in awe when clouds glow pink and orange in the setting sun
A nightly miracle that never fails to steal my breath
Overnight, I traded Olympic moss and dripping trees
For Rocky Mountain grandeur
Even with steel plants belching smoke
Stretches of barren desert
Cities that crawl, haphazard, for miles
Hillsides scraped and harvested
This landscape expands my heart
Lengthens my vision
Inspires

100 Days of Poetry: Days 81-85

(Note: There are five poems from this time period, but one was not written for public consumption.)

Our Lady of Sorrows

Notre Dame
Easter Week fire
Rose window, gargoyles
Nine hundred years of history
In flames


Dirt

Scouring dirty quartz
Dishes, crumbs, unsightly mess
Wipe them all away
I wish that somehow
Windex and white cleaning cloths
Could clean life messes
Possible, perhaps
To find a gleaming surface
Somewhere underneath
But tomorrow comes
Grime returns, dishes pile up
Sigh, wipe, repeat

Therapy Aftermath

There is something profoundly soothing
Or maybe terrifying
About having a complete stranger understand
Even articulate
Feelings buried too deeply for me to frame in words
Tears left me unable to speak
Not a bid for sympathy this time
Just wounds exposed
Speaking my truth
Letting it hang in the air
Perhaps not shared
But at least heard
Am I hopeful?
I don't know
Sad?                                                                                              
It feels like sadness
But I expect time will reveal something else
Right now, I want to curl around the hole in my gut
Close my eyes
And simply exist
Unmoving
In silence

Peaks after Valleys

What a difference a day makes
Awkward discussions bring corrected vision
Putting names to feelings
Letting go of the need for agreement
Releasing the burden of assumption
More tears ahead, I am certain
But today I wake at peace
Light
Reveling in reprieve